i'm not that man

"There are people who have said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, basically of gay rights but with all due respect I humbly dissent, I’m not being brave, I’m being a decent human being. And I don’t think I should receive an award for that or for merely stating what I believe to be true, that love is a human experience not a political statement, however, I acknowledge that sadly we live in a world where not everybody feels the same. My family and I will help the good fight continue until that long awaited moment arrives, when our rights are equal and when the political limits on love have been smashed." - Anne Hathaway receiving an award at the 2008 HRC Los Angeles Dinner

I had a friend of mine come out to me today. We've been friends for about six years now and I have no idea why she would be, but she was afraid to tell me. She had only told three other friends before me, not even her family, so I can understand why it was daunting. She told me she was scared because she didn't know how I'd react though. I don't know why she'd feel that way when most of my friends are gay or bisexual. I don't even see it as a big deal or any kind of deal, really. To me, it was just like, "Oh, cool. Let's get some ice cream."
She'd been keeping it in since she was 14 or 15 and she told me that when she had finally told someone a few months ago, she started crying because she had tried to suppress it for so long and now it was out and done with. Our high school wasn't exactly gay-friendly and I just felt horrible, like I should have been there for her, not that I even knew at the time. People shouldn't be scared or made to feel small over this.
Then I found this quote and it summed up my feelings exactly. Sexual orientation doesn't define someone. It doesn't change their personality so why does it change people's perspective of them? Love in any form is still love.

I was having dinner with my mom tonight and I was talking about going to university after I'm done college. I was complaining about feeling so old because I'm 18 now, and that's when most people go into their first year of school. Everyone I've met in college so far has been at least a few years older than me but I find university students usually go straight from high school, so when I go, I'm gonna be the weird kid who's been wasting my youth doing whatever the fuck. Ok, I know it's not out of the ordinary to go when you're older and I'm not condemning it because I think to pursue higher education at anytime is actually wonderful, which is why I've planned the next 5 years of my life there. It's just that I have a natural awkwardness about me when I'm around people my own age (probably just around everyone), and more so if they're younger. But as I was talking to my mom about all of this, she stopped me and asked how old my brother is. 21, of course. You're suppose to know that, mom. She stared at me blankly for a second. Then aren't you 19?
Wait.
What?
Holy shit, I am 19. This whole time I'd been saying I was 18. One year isn't a big difference but my birthday was months ago. This isn't a mistake I should be making, and it's not one I've made before. Not to this extent anyways.
And then I realized that the last few years of my life, though there were some big moments (ex. dropping out of university, my first love, getting my first full-time job, my first heartbreak, going to college), haven't exactly been memorable. All this time just melds into one and I can't remember feeling any of it.
So I think of myself younger than I am, not because I don't know my age, but because I just don't care.

I'm trying to quit facebook, or at least stop using it for now. I gave my password to a friend and had them change it so I can't go on at all. It's been one day, and I can already feel myself wanting to go on. I find myself just going to the site even though I can't sign in, out of habit. I don't even use it that often. I just go and read what everyone else is up to. No commenting or posting but I'm at a point right now where I don't want to be bothered with social interactions. I withdrew from most of my friendships in the past while, some enough so that I don't even consider us to be friends anymore, only facebook friends. But I'm completely ok with it; actually, I'm quite glad. I don't have to see people I don't want to, act like I enjoy anyone's company, or pretend that I like certain people when really, I could care less. So really, I hate everyone. =D
I'm being my fullest anti-social self and for the moment, it feels great.

Class is canceled and instead of doing anything productive with my day off, I'm going to watch Jumanji again. I haven't seen it in ages and I miss it dearly. It's one of my favourites from childhood, from back when Robin Williams was in good movies.


I'll probably watch a bunch of other movies too. Oh what fun it is to snow.